What Doesn’t Kill You, Will (NOT) Make you Stronger

Huffington Post, Frank Talarico Jr. – June 1, 2017

I absolutely, unequivocally hate that cliché. I subconsciously grit my teeth when I hear it. It was painful just typing it. What doesn’t kill you—and there is a lot that can and will kill you—does not make you stronger. It does make you different, maybe smarter, or, maybe conversely, less qualified to do your job. Personally, with the abundance of stressors in each of our lives, I believe that trying times and traumatic life events don’t change you. I believe that these events remind you of who you are and surface skills you likely have been ignoring or neglecting within yourself. So, we agree that “stuff” happens in life. How should we get through the rough times and what can we learn so the next time we encounter challenging times, we navigate the issue and the consequences with expertise? Consider these five strategies:

1. Slow things down.Some of the greatest, Hall of Fame-caliber baseball players will tell you that when they were at their very best the game seemed to “slow down for them.” When Derek Jeter, for example, earned the moniker “Mr. November” during the 2001 World Series, he explained that the game felt like it had decelerated so much he could see the stitching on the ball as he was preparing to execute on a game-winning hit. The pitch was almost 100 mph. When stress arrives, it is critical we don’t permit the events to overwhelm us. On the contrary, it is incumbent that we slow things down. This doesn’t mean behave lethargically. This means maintain a focus that creates the sensation that the various elements of the events causing the challenge can be taken apart and examined, piece by piece. Researchers at Baylor University tested this theory. Turns out it’s an illusion; considered a by-product of adrenaline, there is no biochemical explanation. So the good news is that it can be an acquired skill. We can learn this trait—and if we can learn it, we can perfect it with practice.

2. Expand your field of play, and get in the habit to look downfield.Tom Brady is an above average quarterback. That’s as generous a compliment you can get from this New York Giants fan. But let’s be honest, his ability to expand the field of play creates opportunities to move the ball forward and, ultimately score. He never loses his focus on the line of scrimmage—the threats staring him, quite literally, in the face. But he is keenly aware that he can “stretch out the field” through any number of techniques. It is a very natural human reaction to constrict our environments, not expand them when we face challenges. Why would we do that? In a word, we do that because it feels safe. Ironically, it’s counter-productive. Constricting our worlds during crisis increases our chances for more problems and dramatically decreases our likelihood for success. Expanding your field of play also forces a heightened leverage of your creativity. There is no greater ally during critical life moments than the trait of creativity. Consider areas in your own life or career where you can use your creativity to “stretch out the field.” Are there people you’ve never interacted with, but should? Are there programs or services your organization can offer, but don’t? Can you, right now, be leveraging what you already do well, but do so in a new space? I would bet that the answer to least two of these questions is “yes.”

3. Gather data, but don’t over gather data.Major General Eisenhower is arguably the most important figure in the Allied victory over the Nazis in World War II. The start to that victory was “Operation Overlord,” the Allied invasion of Europe. “D-Day,” as it has become known, was the perfect combination of troops, sailors, and airmen – hundreds of thousands of them. The operation took months to plan. Variables and contingencies had to be considered in every aspect of what was one of history’s most defining moments.Eisenhower had already delayed the operation a month when time and pressure mounted. There was one, very important piece of data that Eisenhower had to be entirely confident in, and it was the one thing neither he nor his forces could control: the weather. If the weather continued to be cloudy and raining and the tides rough, securing the beachheads would be nearly impossible. Eisenhower was sitting on the decision to launch what is still the military’s largest amphibious attack in the history of the United States. No matter who he consulted, no one could move the clouds or change the tides. On June 6, 1944, after collecting and analyzing data from multiple sources, Eisenhower ordered Operation Overlord to commence. The Allies would capture the beachheads in Normandy, and two months later would use that insertion point to move across Europe and defeat Hitler. What would have happened if Eisenhower had waited—even one more day? History and the weather charts show that the tides would have worsened. In fact, the next opportunity to safely and successfully launch the assault would have been two weeks later. If Eisenhower had waited, history would likely have been changed forever. Two weeks would have given the Germans an even deeper foothold in key targets and it would have given them and their spies that much longer to learn of the plan.Subscribe to The Morning Email.Wake up to the day's most important news.We are presented with a constant stream of data every day. There will come a time in the collection and analysis of that data where we must simply make the best decision we can given the facts we know at that point. To do otherwise can and likely will change our own personal history.

4. Pull a trigger or push a button—but do something.Those of you who have read my column before know I am a big fan of what I call “motion.” An organization that is in motion is constantly keeping its teams engaged and creating its own sense of progress and energy. When Goodwill of Orange County launched “Operation Enduring Independence,” our veterans transition services program, we had little staff, no budget and no facilities. That was 2013. Now in 2017, we enter our second year housed in a 33,000 square-foot state-of-the art office space complete with a call center manned by veterans for veterans, classroom space, and meeting facilities all devoted to veterans. We have expanded our space to accommodate four VA employees now housed full-time in our facility, something unheard of in this business, and the Center has since been endowed with a million dollar gift from Tom and Elizabeth Tierney. Today, the Tierney Center for Veterans Services is the regional leader in the coordination and delivery of veterans’ transition services. Best of all, our business model is being used nationally, replicated so that our transitioning military men and women can receive the services they and their families need and deserve.This process started, though, with my standing in front of a Board of Directors who were risk-averse and properly so. The planning began with my one-on-one meetings with retired Generals George Casey, Peter Pace and Norton Schwartz. These three men, all patriots whose hearts are still with the plight of the returning soldier, graciously offered me their time and their expertise. What we did not want to be was like every other organization that purports to deliver veteran services. In 2013 there were 40,000 such organizations. So, armed with the expertise of accomplished military men, interviews with returning military men and women, and a gut instinct that the effort would work, I needed to take action. In hindsight, there was so much more we could have done to investigate and further flesh out the model. My opinion, however, is taking more time would have turned what is now a spectacular service to so many veterans into a research project. I pulled the trigger and that initial “motion” has now resulted in overwhelming inertia.

5. Ask for help.My son is seven. This morning when he woke up he thought he’d make himself some breakfast. He, being a culinary genius, opted for Honey Nut Cheerios. Now the bowls are within reach and so is the milk, but the cereal is on the top shelf in our pantry. Also up there are serving platters and some glass dishes. He made one attempt when a slow and ominous grinding noise started. The plates were starting to slide down and so, now, he needed me. “Daddy, can you help me please.”None of us can reach the top shelf, all the time. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t always be trying to reach it, though. So ask for help. Get someone “taller.” Find someone “stronger.” In the end, you’ll get what you are after, and you will avoid getting hit in the head by the hidden dangers that may be awaiting you.Shortly after my son was born, my wife suffered a “spontaneous aortic dissection.” After seven roller coaster months and life on an artificial heart, she was told she would finally receive the heart transplant she would need to live. Two weeks later she suffered a massive brain hemorrhage and died April 14, 2010. She was 36 years old. For seven months we navigated more near-death episodes than I care to recall. We were under constant stress. Decisions on her life (and possible death) had to be made every minute of every day. Countless doctors advising innumerable procedures all intended to incrementally improve her chances for survival. After my wife passed away, the Chairman of the Board for the organization I was then CEO of asked me “how do you think this has changed you the most?” I thought for a moment and said that the experience made me even better at decision-making. I had learned, I explained, to slow things down. WE, with the extraordinary medical teams that cared for my wife, expanded our fields of play and creatively sought solutions “outside the lines.” I was able to quickly gather and distill critical data. We never hesitated on decisions. And, profoundly, I quickly recognized I could not do this all alone so I asked for help at key moments.Reflexively, he responded to my answer: “Well, Frank, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” “No it doesn’t,” I replied. What it did was reveal what it is I am capable of doing.Now it’s your turn. Go and see what you are capable of doing in this world. Go and do it now.Popular in the Community